Napanood namin ng klase sa video sa Hayes Hall ‘yong dula namin. Sa wakas napanood ko rin ang aking sarili. Napanood ko kung paano ko ginago ang sarili ko sa pag-arte ng gano’n. Puta, ang galing naming lahat. Nakakalungkot lang talaga na hindi kami nakapasok sa huling tagisan. Pasensya na kung paulit-ulit lang ang mga pinagsasabi ko dito ah. Sige na titigil na ‘ko.

Oo nga pala. Alam niyo, naiinis ako talaga sa paraan ng pagbili ng pagkain sa cafeteria namin. Ang sasama talaga ng mga estudyante. Parating nag-uunahan sa pag-abot ng pera sa tindera. Walang linya-linya. Pakapalan talaga ng mukha. Ang suwerte mo kung mahaba ang mga braso mo. Kahit nasa likod ka ng kumpol ng mga tao, mapipilit mong abutin ang tinderang naloloka na sa gulo. Suwerte ka rin kung mataba ka at maskulado. Mapipilit mong pisain lahat ng mga taong nasa tabi at harap mo. At para naman sa mga katulad ko na hindi dumidiskarte dahil ayaw maging makasarili, mga gago ang tawag sa atin.Tiisin na lang natin ang baho ng mga kili-kili ng mga tabatsoy na pumipisa sa atin. Buwisit talaga. Mga walang disiplina. Ewan ko kung nakatatak na ‘yang mentalidad na yan sa kultura ng maraming Pilipino. Nakakalungkot.

Sa kabilang dako, noong org period, sa Hilites Magazine, nagkaroon ng meeting kaming mga editor. Pagkatapos ng meeting ng mga editor, kinausap pa kaming mga junior editors ng aming moderator ukol sa nalalapit na pagtatapos ng school-year (alam ko, matagal pa ‘yon, basta). Kasi magtatapos na ng high school ang mga boss naming editors kaya kami na dapat daw ang papalit sa kanila. Kaya ‘yon. Maghanda na daw kami kasi kahit sino daw sa pito sa amin ang maaring maging editor-in-chief o associate o managing editor. Ewan. Parang ayokong ma-promote. Pakiramdam ko kasi, isa ako sa napipisil na mapili o anuman. Takot pa ako sa mga responsibilidad na maaring dumapo sa kung sinuman ang mapili.

We had career talks during homeroom period, as usual. I was at the public service forum this time (I was at the broadcast journalism talk a week ago, and at the law talk a few weeks before that). Anyway. There. It can already get quite confusing as I would like to be most of what people tell me. Broadcast journalist, non-government social worker. Sometimes, I’m also tempted to just simply take a business life and sit in an office cubicle and earn so much more than everyone else in this country. I am tempted to just become the manager or something of some office in Makati. But no, it’s tempting but that’s not what I want. You know what I want. And I am going to make it happen. Sure, maybe I won’t become the President of the Philippines anymore. But I will become someone who would’ve done much more than him, whoever or whatever he may be.

My dad is in Europe right now. In Madrid, Spain to be exact. He was at Paris a while ago. He left the Philippines yesterday.

Oh anyway. Yesterday, we went to my second-cousin’s wedding. Even though I barely know her, my mom was a principal sponsor so we had to be there. The long queue at the buffet table during the reception was most annoying. I spent 30 minutes in line before I got to the buffet, which wasn’t even help-yourselves-service. I mean, the attendants ration you a limited amount of food. Agh.

Anyway, we went to Lian, Batangas a while ago for the birthday celebration of my godfather who just got back from the US. It’s a pretty huge clan thing so there. Even though relationships among… err, nevermind. It’s quite difficult even for me to comprehend.

I have almost gotten over the horrible fact that we didn’t make it to the finals. But sometimes, I am just struck by the memories of how good we executed the play and how we toiled hard to practice for it. I suddenly remember how I acted on stage. Man, I can’t believe I did that. I really think I did really good. That was a best-actor award performance! I want to see it on video tape. Shit, those stupid judges trashed all these! I really cannot comprehend (no offense though) how K’s play, Papa Ketchup got in. What is in the heads of those judges?!

Man. We smell blood. And we will take revenge in a glorious comeback. Just wait.

I couldn’t write an entry last night. I was too depressed and bitter. Shit. The whole day, I was so anxious and at the same time enthusiastic. We performed our play last, and I gave it all I’ve got. I made myself sweat in the chilly theater and cried like a stupid dramatic actor. All in all, I was very very happy at how the play turned out to be. It was fantastic. The audience was generous enough to give us such a loud rapport. And I was just so happy.

Come tonight, I got the news that we didn’t get into the final 3. I didn’t want to believe that, of course. Especially when my classmate told me that the sections who got in are A, C, G and K. There must have been a tie or something. I won’t contest A or C because I think they really deserve a spot in the final 3. In other words, I have problems comprehending how K or G’s plays trampled ours. I don’t want to go on, it’s just making me feel worse and useless. We only got 5th place out of 15 sections. It’s a good position, but…

Aah! Shut up. I don’t want to hear anything about it anymore… Call me a sore loser, I don’t care.

Pinatay ko s’ya. Napatay ko s’ya…

Sapat na serbisyo para sa pamilya kung hindi man sa buong mundo. Ako ay isang lamparang nagbibigay ningas at sana’y nabigyan ko pa ng kaunting ilaw ang madilim na mundong ito. Pero wakas na, winakasan ko…

…Isang buhay na kinitil ng dahil sa talima ng poot.

Laman sa laman, buhay sa buhay, kamatayan para sa katarungan…

Note to self: Never ever skip lunch.

We had play rehearsals this afternoon till evening. And I didn’t eat lunch yesterday, so I felt so nauseated the whole time. I was trying really hard to continue practicing and letting the evil people in our play torture me as Lucio. So there. I didn’t feel good. During the latter scenes, I had to excuse myself often because I kept vomitting. Later that night, our moderator, who noticed my condition, made me go with him to the faculty workroom’s coffee room and eat a little. Cool. Never been inside the workroom before (it’s off-limits to students) what more the coffee room. Had a disgusting salad. It’s fruit salad with cream and cucumber and… fish fillet? It was either gross for me or it was just because I was nauseated that everything I ate, I tend up vomitting.

So there. I woke up a couple of minutes ago. I still have to do the layout of Hilites Newsletter.

Oh, I skipped dinner too and slept because I was too sick to eat.