I was supposed to post a decent entry last night but we were too busy a household trying to calm Hailey down. She had been crying for more than three hours straight and we were frantic. Tarangtang taranta kami. We didn’t know what to do. Napapaiyak na ‘ko sa awa. Her face was turning blue sa kasisigaw. By 11, we decided to bring her to the hospital.

Bad stomach. Kabag lang daw. Phew!

If her crying last night was a showing of how much she would cry when she leaves, shit. I won’t be able to hold down my own tears.

Earlier yesterday morning, I left the house in search of the city post office. I was sent a notice weeks ago about a package I had to pick up. Problem is, I didn’t know where the post office exactly was. I rode a bus to East Avenue, and by luck I guess, I chose to get down on the right intersection. Then, I just rode a pedicab to the post office along NIA Road (home to various government office complex, and… a thriving slum community).

What was the package? A stuffed toy!! What the hell, I thought. But then, it was from National Geographic. Why they didn’t just deliver the package directly to our house, I don’t know. Hassle!

Later in the afternoon, I accompanied my mom to her PT at Heart center. While she was there though, I went to the computer shop to pick my reformatted and repaired PC. I’m glad to have it back. Even though I’ve lost much of the withdrawal, I still feel sad over the loss of all my files. I was re-assembling my PC later on, and I was really frustrated. There were so many wires and they were all tangled up! Serves me right for not being content with a simple PC.

After Mama’s PT, we went to SM and watched The Day After Tomorrow.

It didn’t offer anything new in the armaggeddon genre, except I guess for the actual global warming-induced super storm idea that turned half the world into ice. At first, the only things that captured me were the stunning visual effects. The movie was numb. The loss of countless human lives felt negligible. I felt so apathetic at the destruction of Los Angeles and New York City. And, again, the Hollywood habit of focusing global tragedies on America alone was there. I wouldn’t have felt too apathetic if they showed how the rest of the world suffered. What the hell happened to Europe? To Asia? To other parts of the world? These questions were left unanswered. Towards the latter half of the film, when the movie started to focus on the lives of a certain group of individuals, when half the world had turned cold, it started to have a heart after all. But it wasn’t warm enough for me.

I loved the part when the American government suddenly turned humble and asked for forgiveness for all the bossing around they did. Haha. If only that would happen in real life, maybe we would be living in a much, much more peaceful world.

Oh, and if in case the same thing that happened in the movie happens for real, thank God the Philippines would be spared from turning into ice! It can be securing to live near the equator sometimes. Haha.

Bikoy’s rating: 6/10

Just like my last column for the high school magazine.

Today, the courts, the academe, the electoral watchdogs, the civil liberties groups, and the media look at the spectacle of a President using the people’s money to buy votes, and they say, “What else is new?” Today, civil society and the people who mounted people power look at the spectacle of a President bending the military, the police, and the Comelec to her will, and they say, “What is she in power for?” Today, the public looks at a world grown dark and weary and uncertain, and they say, “What else is there?”

Other people when they look at their past can only be amazed at how backward they were. We can only be amazed at how glorious we were.

[Conrado de Quiros, Philippine Daily Inquirer, May 26, 2004]

I am obviously not a person from my timeline and generation. I believe that’s a good thing.

You still think we are way off from where we were in 1969? I think so too. Just because of you.

Mabuti nang nawala na ‘ko sa UP habang hindi pa pasukan. I went there to have my ID processed at the registrar. I got confused with Celeni’s directions (but that’s okay). Nakadalawang buong Ikot ako bago ko nakita ang isang karatulang hindi ko nakita nung una na nagtuturo kung saan ako dapat pumunta.

Hailey has been here for only less than a week. But everytime I picture the day she would have to leave forever, I can’t help but get depressed. If this goes on, I don’t think I can stand seeing her crying when she leaves. I can’t! I know, this shouldn’t be happening. I shouldn’t get myself too attached. She’s not ours. You see, that’s why I cannot understand how on earth her biological mother surrendered her forever!

Anyway, I watched Troy with my mom this afternoon. It wasn’t exceptional. I often find many Greek myths with their plots and conflicts to be very dull and petty anyway, and this wasn’t an exception. I’m no Greek mythology scholar but I have fair familiarity with the Illiad having taken it up in third year English class. The characters were dull, and were only able to capture my apathy. The plot felt so factual and trivial even though they didn’t do justice to some of the details. Like, the gods’ connivance in the war was gone. In the first place, it shouldn’t feel so factual — it’s a myth! (Uh, right?) Tsk, I liked Helen of Troy (1956) much better.

Bikoy’s rating: 5.5/10

My computer has to be reformatted. I feel so at loss!! All my high school compositions, projects, laid out publications of Hilites, a year’s worth of pictures, downloaded movies, programs and everything!! Lost forever!! I never thought this would happen to me, so I never saw the use to back up.

I’m trying to think of consolations. At least I kept an online journal, so my memories are not really lost. At least I uploaded some of my pictures, although they’re not in their full-size. At least I can… feel rejuvinated. I’ll have a clean PC to begin with. Well, that’s it. It isn’t much to keep me up.

Tell me. I don’t want to go through the hassle of downloading programs for days and sifting through porn, warez and crack sites anymore. Where do you buy your cheap pirated softwares?

I was looking at the pictures of Hailey’s soon-to-be Belgian parents. We were asked to show her the pictures everyday and help her recognize them as her Mama and Papa. There were also pictures of her grandparents, of her new room, of her new house and of her new community. Everything looks so foreign. I feel so sad just imagining Hailey leaving her homeland and probably forgetting everything she had to do with it when she grows up as Belgian. I keep wondering how she would feel over a lot of things. How would she act like in Belgium three months from now? She would be in a totally different environment amongst totally different people. Would she cry? I imagined how lonely it must feel. But then, I’d never know how a baby would feel. She wouldn’t have too much memories from the past to dwell and depress over. I also keep wondering how she would feel like years from now. Would she have the urge to look for her biological parents and return to the Philippines? I’m also trying not to get too attached to her.

I was thinking of the real mother too. People commented that I should understand, that she must love her baby a lot to let go of her own flesh. Or that, she only wanted the best or else they’d starve. I still can’t understand!! She’s a college graduate with a major in education! They’ll not starve! They’re not dirt poor. I think she just doesn’t really like her baby! I hate her!

Oil prices in the Philippines have risen to its highest in history. The government approved an almost-50% hike in public transportaion fares. Prices of basic commodities continue to rise. Everything’s rising! Shall employers increase the wages of their workers too?

From Sassy Lawyer:

How many millions–billions–of pesos were spent over the past few months relative to the elections? In short, much of the money that had been lying in banks here and abroad are now circulating all over the country. End result, the purchasing power of the peso has been steadily going down. We are about to feel the whole impact now that the elections are over.

Reminiscent of the 1969 re-election aftermath of Ferdinand Marcos, huh?

Ferdinand Marcos was determined to continue ruling the Philippines from Malacanang, at all costs. The 1969 national elections was a turning point in the Philippines’ political history as it began the traditional massive election spending mounting up to the billions of pesos which resulted in massive nationwide inflation. The same effects we are experiencing now.

The 1969 elections also further institutionalized the patronage system of politics. Marcos gave away so much money and favors to the electorate and to local politicians. Marcos was hounded with so many local politicians supporting him, same so now with Macapagal-Arroyo. Example of which, which the media failed to point out is how Arroyo doled out hundreds of millions of pesos to local officials for a supposed agri-reform program entitled Ginintuang Masaganang Ani. Hell, its initials speak so well of its real purpose!! “I gave you money, public schools, highways, now you are obliged to support me through your votes.” It was like that then. Now, it’s like, “I gave you PhilHealth cards, water, well-swept roads, land titles, a delay in price hikes, ain’t I such a good providing mommy? What shall you give me in return now that it’s election time?” DUH!! What’s the difference? Gloria Arroyo has been investing in patronage politics since day one! All her projects were initiated in a bid for her election, using low, low intimate self-promoting approaches like, GMA cares, or Patubig ni Gloria, Pabahay ni Gloria, Tindahan ni Gloria, Programang Pantrabaho ni Gloria. O, sa ‘yo na lahat!! Gloria Arroyo is doing all these in as much as Ferdinand and Imelda asserted themselves as the good providing parents of the Filipino children, in the same cheap, intimate, self-promoting way. By election time, the masses had to vote for whom they’re so indebted to. It’s sick.

Let’s draw more, this time from the 1965 national elections which saw Ferdinand Marcos battle it with Gloria Arroyo’s own father, Diosdado Macapagal. The Marcoses were trying to woo and recruit Fernando Lopez to run as Ferdinand’s vice-president so desperately, that Imelda Marcos was reported to have resorted to kneeling in front of Fernando and crying. Of course, the Lopezes then, as they are now, the owners of the largest influential media network in the country. Wow, doesn’t that ring a bell?

It’s so sad that very few Filipinos could remember or know much of the Marcos era to draw the dangerous parallelisms that creepingly assert between Marcos then and Macapagal-Arroyo now.

I am almost certain that in a couple of months’ time, Macapagal-Arroyo will experience her very own first quarter storm. Let’s see what will happen after that. She might sadly do another Marcos, declare martial law, create parliament blah blah. Who knows. Who can whole-heartedly trust Gloria now?

In as much as Gloria Arroyo and her rah-rah boys credit her for the economic gains we experienced during her term, but to which she didn’t have direct influence over, I will dare discredit her for the bad, bad, bad things too. Just fair.

Anyway, I saw how devastated many communities in Catanduanes are after super typhoon Dindo passed over their island. I saw one man being interviewed on TV. He was wearing a ‘Gloria for President‘ cap. He was begging for relief goods. Fat chance you’re gonna get enough relief! Your hundreds of millions worth of calamity funds were used during the elections. Binoto mo, magtiis ka!

Hayan, lumindol daw sa Bohol kaninang umaga. May paparating na namang bagyo, ang pangalan ay Enteng. Sunud-sunod na ‘yan. It’s an omen, I tell you. Magtitiis talaga tayo.

The social worker arrived today with our foster baby, Hailey. Agh, I’ve never experienced taking care of a baby full-time so I feel excited right now. I just got off from my parents’ room playing with her.

My mom was briefed on the baby. I was reading the affidavit of transfer or something which has the story on her biological mother a while ago. Her mother was an education major college student from Bicol. Apparently, she unintentionally got herself pregnant after getting drunk for the first time with one of her friends’ friend. The father didn’t want the responsibility (asshole) and she didn’t have the face to tell her family back in the province about her condition. So she ended up at an institution that takes care of women like her. She set Hailey up for adoption hoping that a better family can take care of her.

I was carrying Hailley a while ago and I was looking at her eyes. Although she doesn’t cry that much at all, her eyes were obviously tearing. Bakat sa pisngi n’ya ang daloy ng luha. I don’t know why, but it absolutely crushed me seeing her ‘crying’ silently. It may be because of some other ‘biological reasons’ like, she’s hungry or whatever. I’m still at loss for words. How in God’s name can you ‘abandon’ your child forever for somebody else to adopt?!

I was imagining how Hailey will feel or think ten or so more years from now. How would she feel knowing that her real mother gave her away?

I can’t think straight right now. Even though after three months, Hailey will be living a very comfortable life with her new parents in Belgium, I still feel so crushed for her. I can’t explain it. She’s so young…