Congratulations sa mga bagong miyembro ng UP Cinema Arts Society!!

Nasan na si Garci? Ano na ngayon ang mangyayari sa allegations ng pandaraya sa eleksyon? Bakit nga ba kailangang magtago ni elections commissioner Garcillano? Totoo bang nasa UK na siya ngayon?

‘Di ko mapapanood nang live ang UP-Ateneo game ngayong Sabado. Induction/final rites ng mga apps namin sa UP CAST. Hay, [hinayang]. ‘Di bale, may second round pa naman para magharap ang dalawa!

Unang-una, maraming maraming salamat sa bawat isang nag-comment sa ‘insecurity complex’ entry ko. I really appreciate what each one of you said.

Now, an attempt to shift the mood… Araw ng Aliw at Baliw kanina ng UP MCO. Part ‘yon ng application process ng mga applicants. Para siyang talent show. Nung applicant ako dati, nag-usual song and dance lang ako. Eghck. Buti tapos na ‘ko sa phase na ‘yon. Hehe. Nakakatuwa sila kanina. Sana lahat sila tumuloy hanggang sa maging members na rin sila.

(’Di na lang ako magpo-post ng pics ng mga apps. They got enough exposure nung inulit-ulit na pinalabas sa TV ang screenshot ng bikoy.net at pictures nila ang topmost entry. Haha.)

• I’m not questioning our Bio 1 professor’s credibility, but he can be a really lousy teacher. And he’s really mean for giving such a difficult exam (difficult, for me). Half the exam was indentification/fill in the missing word. Tsk, it continues to bother me up to now. Goodbye college scholar/university scholar-listing.
• How apt na ngayong napag-uusapan ang ChaCha o charter change, ay puro chacha and pinaggagawa namin sa social dance. Masaya mag-chacha.
• Hindi pumasok si Sir Jamon sa Film 112. Kaya tumunganga lang kami sa classroom ng ilang oras, sinamantala ang aircon, bago nagsi-alisan rin bandang huli.

A considerable number of guys among our applicants in UP CAST are these maangas Fine Arts guys. I don’t have an issue with them really. I have been talking with some orgmates about this. It’s just that their presence makes me feel insecure sometimes. I feel intimidated. So it’s not really a problem with them, it’s a problem with me, and how I feel whenever I’m with our applicants–which compels me to write this entry about my quintessential ‘inferiority complex’ issue. This is not supposed to be new in this blog, I’ve written something similar to this a few years ago when I was still in second year high school.

You see, whenever I set myself in comparison with stereotypical boys my age, I feel like I’m not being like them enough. Or that I’m really a loser. Like, in the way I never really learned how to play basketball, in the way I always declined my high school classmates whenever they invited me for inuman, or in the way na ‘di ako na-barkada with the more rowdy type of guys in grade school nor in high school. Or in the way I never really learned to appreciate wrestling or boxing or action movies. Or with the fact that I’ve never had a girlfriend. Basta, there are a lot of things that makes me feel like I’m being ‘abnormal’. There are a lot of times I feel like I’m being such a frail and quiet wuss. Sometimes I feel like I’m such an abberation to the normal ideal tigas teenage boy or to the normal ideal of an alpha male. Like when I was in high school, I always thought that my classmates had this perception of me as a kid, being the youngest guy in class. Kahit ngayon, I never seem to have grown out of that image. Some people in college still look at me as this boyish kid. Then there are times I feel like I’m bordering effeminate too.

To top my insecurities off, I’m feel like people think I’m in such a ‘bading course’ in a college perceived as full of gays. That’s not supposed to bother me because Film is the course I really want to pursue, and I feel really at home in MassCom, with my blockmates, orgmates and classmates, whatever their personalities are. But sometimes it does bother me. Even my parents raised that issue on me once. Baka mahawa raw ako or baka paghinalaan ako ng ibang tao etc.

When I thought of posting this entry I was thinking how others might perceive it. Siguro others might think I’m just fishing for sympathy or I’m just being defensive. I was initially not keen on publicizing such a personal insecurity. But then I do want to let this frustration off. And I do want to be open and sincere even if this is a public blog.

Sometimes I’m disappointed when I feel like I fail some people’s expectations, when I fail to be as tigas or maangas as they expect me to be, when I fail to fulfill a particular cultural gender role they expect me to play. This is making me feel like I’m not being manly enough. But, in retrospect, should I even consider it a problem?

Somehow it doesn’t feel right when we see the entire hall of the traditional politicians we abhor roused in applause when Gloria Arroyo declared that she is for changes in our system of government. If these same trapos are thrilled with the idea of change in our system of government, it makes one think and doubt the sort of change these people espouse. May magbabago nga ba kung sila-sila rin ang magiging “kinatawan” na mga tao (in a constituent assembly)? If the traditional politicians are so ecstatic about it, it must not be good.

Now that more people within my circle of contacts know about this site, I feel like I’d have to self-censor my thoughts first before uploading them in an entry. That’s sad. I feel like I can’t say just anything I might want to say, for fear of offending a friend or a relative or the government or whoever. Now that more people are going here, I feel like what I have to say must be a little more profound, relevant or interesting than just narrating mundane events in my every day life. Or that my opinions must be more rational than just emotional bursts of steam.

Well, I shouldn’t be complaining. This dilemma is a given when one blogs. It’s just that before, I was still able to vent out… say, frustrations on some people in school or something like that. Not a lot of people within my sphere of contacts knew about this site anyway so I felt more secure to say what I felt like saying about them. Now, it’s different. My blog was practically advertised on national tv, on a primetime newscast at that.

This doesn’t feel good. I feel like I’m going to become less of myself in this blog and more of a Bikoy who’s image is more palatable to the public.