I’ve been quite distraught the past days over my academic standing in Law. I’m in the brink of being kicked out because of my grades. Kicked out temporarily, at least. Since I was already on probation during the second semester of my freshman year, I am not allowed to get any more failing marks, but after enrollment two weeks ago, our Criminal Law 2 grades came out and unfortunately, I got my first 5.0 ever. That should effectively dismiss me from UP Law. The anomaly and the confusion, however, is that I’ve already enrolled before the grade came out and that classes have already started, and I’ve signed my class cards and all the first-day shiz. Another thing is that the cause of my probationary status last semester, a 4.0 in Persons & Family Relations, is still unresolved. Now I don’t know if my enrollment is voided, if I can remain enrolled conditionally pending the resolution of my unremoved 4.0, or what? I still have to talk with our College Secretary to clarify my status and negotiate something.
Posts tagged with personal rambling
I don’t remember feeling so distraught after an exam. Usually, especially as an undergrad, I’d always feel liberated after an exam. Not this time. I just walked out of Malcolm Theater after my Criminal Law 2 exam looking dazed. Did I just seal my future in Law, or the lack thereof, with that exam? I couldn’t believe how, after all the sleepless nights cramming and studying crimes, I could not muster enough legal bases for my answers. To make things worse, I go out of the venue to my blockmates discussing the ‘right‘ answers, which unfortunately, were not the same as mine. And as it turned out, almost the entire exam came straight out of a sample exam that was made available in our block and which I neglected to run through.
If it turns out that I failed this exam, it might really be bye-bye Malcolm Hall. I posted an update at my Facebook wall the day before yesterday, saying that perhaps law isn’t really for me. There are times I feel like all these trouble–the many many sleepless nights, the stress, the lack of time for many things I may be doing–is it all worth it? Thinking about things I’d rather do makes me give in to these bouts of doubts. Now I feel quite uncertain about a lot of things.
Pagpasensiyahan niyo ulit na hindi na naman ako nakakapag-blog. Mula sa paghahanda para sa Student Regent Referendum noong December mula sa mismong Referendum noong January na sinundan kaagad ng student council elections sa UP, at pinagitnaan ng iba’t ibang gawain sa University Student Council. Mula paggising hanggang pagtulog talaga noong mga nakaraang buwan puno ng mga gawain ang schedule ko.
Pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng eleksyon, eto naman ako naghahabol nang todo sa pagbabasa at pag-aaral ng mga kaso. Nawawawalan na nga ako ng gana eh. Pero walang puwang para panghinaan ng loob. Kayod lang nang kayod. At Facebook. Ha ha ha! Sana nasa UP Law pa rin ako sa susunod na semester.
“Natutulog ka pa ba?” I forget who asked me the question. I got asked the same thing around three times last week. “Yun nga ‘yung problema eh, natutulog ako.” It’s so sad that I’m blaming sleep for the lack of time I need to do everything I’ve committed myself to do. There just isn’t enough waking hours to do them.
I’ve never felt so depressed over grades. I was never that much of a grade-conscious person. As long as I pass and I know for myself that I’ve learned well, I’m satisfied. Last week I found out what my mid-semester average was. In spite of all the sleepless nights and the effort, it wasn’t enough. I failed big time. The fact that I was second lowest in my block made me feel so much worse. That day I went straight home from class and sulked. The week left me so tired and I am met with a failure.
Inggit na inggit ako sa mga blockmates ko when they study in the library in the afternoons, or when they come to class ready and discuss among each other issues and cases one after another in attempt to review what they’ve read. I wish I had all the time to commit myself to the great demands of law school. When I see my blockmates talk about the lesson, I want to walk out because I barely know anything anymore.
I’ve been having really bad and recurring headaches almost every day the past weeks. Wala nang bisa sa akin ang paracetamol. I don’t know what to take anymore. I tried paracetamol and ibuprofen already. Barely works to relieve the pain. Undoubtedly, it is caused by stress.
All these headaches gets me into thinking sometimes, what if I wasn’t in the student council? What if I didn’t join the fraternity? What if I didn’t get myself involved in so many affiliations and commitments? What if I didn’t go to law school? What if I just didn’t care about how the government is run? What if I just cared about myself? Life would be so much less stressful. I could surf the net all day, watch all the movies I want to see, go to all places I want to go, spend all the time I want with people dear to me. What if, what if. Not that I’m regretting anything at all. It’s just that it amuses me to think how much stress I would have spared myself had I not gone the path I have tread. But then I wouldn’t be me.
Anyway, somehow related to student council stress… Geez, spare me from all these student council politicking! What a waste of time, indeed. I have my own constituents who expect me to respond to pressing issues. I’m disappointed some of my councilmates talk as if they’re the only ones whose constituents are aggrieved or will be aggrieved. We were popularly elected with the platform of expedient and responsible responses to issues of national concern. Failure to do such is a disservice in itself. I cannot allow the exaggerated ranting of some councilmates to stop us from exercising our mandate. It’s not as if they weren’t heard out or their points considered. It’s so sad that some of us have assumed bad faith against each other. Imagine being called evil and fascist. Hay, try staring at the fascism of Arroyo’s police force in the face! We substantially followed our collectively prescribed procedure. I still hope things could be threshed out amicably. Grabe lang. As public information officer, or the “final arbiter” in statements, palagi na lang akong dehado sa gitna ng party friction ‘pag may statement, kahit sinupaman ang proponent niyan, red, blue, yellow, white, whatever. Whether I release the statement or not, one party would be staring negatively at me. Ang sakit sa ulo.
In the meantime, I would like to prepare for my first midterms in UP Law.
On an irrelevant note, I got new lens for my DSLR! I’ll try to start taking photographs again.
Victor Villanueva
law student, national democracy activist, film school graduate, photography hobbyist